Brian got home Saturday night and I feel like I finally let out the breath I've been holding. Don't know why, but no matter how uneventful it is here when Brian's gone, I still feel the load lighten when he comes home. I think it may be that I'm just so glad that I can start saying "go ask your Dad" again. : ) There's just something very calming about having him here.
We don't get to keep him long though. He leaves again later this week to head back down. At the end of this month we will have spent 4 days as a family. So not enough. It will be like this for the next few months. It is not easy. I am definitely amazed by single parents that don't get that release of having a mama or daddy come home.
However, it is part of it and when God asked our family to do this we knew there would be sacrifice. I just thought I would be better at it. Silly. It seems that no matter what I do, I seem to feel like I'm in survival mode. I try to prepare but it doesn't work. I wrestle with giving up the battle and just try to lean into God. I know He will sustain me and He does. But when kids get sick, issues arise, or Brian calls from Haiti and says "I need you to do me a favor" (which never seems to be easy) I find that I grab it all and try, again, to manage it.
I'm sure there are those that think, "you chose this life, deal with the consequences" but really that's not true. We didn't necessarily "choose" this life. We chose to say yes. You don't get to pick and choose the parts you like about the call and those you don't. You get it all. The easy, the hard, and the stinky. It's good, but it can drain you. And really, is there a choice to not answer the call that God has placed on our life? For us, the answer is no. The alternative is something I would rather not consider. And the blessings do far outweigh the struggles. As my friend Angie says, regardless of what we have to walk through, "God still wins." And that is the good news.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to say "YES" to God, but if you see me and I look like I'm falling apart, please remind me to let go and quite trying to do God's job. I'll probably think bad thoughts in my head about how you just don't get it (all said in a whiney voice) but that's just my sinful nature kicking in, I need to hear that God will sustain.
And to Brian, we are fine here... focus on the steps God has ordered for your day. Don't miss it just because it's hard.