Living Life In Extremes

We're Back!

2012-01-04T12:03:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. There's a reason for that... I have been in a struggle. Several struggles, actually, and I haven't had a lot to say that I felt I could share. Translated: " If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I tend to be a little bit stubborn (yes, I know, shocking) and it has taken me a while to accept what God was trying to do with me. Even in the struggles God is always faithful to stay by us. We are definitely a work in progress. Here's an update of what we've been doing.

The update on Merline's adoption is this: yes, we are still waiting. Yes, Merline is still waiting. Yes, Merline is getting older and we are losing time with each other. Yes, we have done absolutely everything we can do to try and get her home, including trying things I swore I would never try. Yes, it hurts, and not only us, but Merline, Riley, Emmie, and Molly too. Yes, I cringe and feel like screaming every time someone asks about progress (even though it's well meaning and I really do appreciate the concern). I have no answers to give. All I know is that God has to be in control of it all and the fact that I am still able to get out of bed in the mornings and be somewhat productive is proof of His presence.

The hold up on the adoption is that one of the main papers we needed, a presidential dispensation, was completed with our last name spelled wrong. It was spelled Loyd instead of Lloyd. The irony of this is that Brian's dad's birth certificate was spelled wrong by the delivering doctor and the rest of his family spells their name Loyd. We are the only 2 L Lloyds in the family. REALLY?!? Anyway, the paper was completed by the outgoing presidential administration in Haiti and the new administration refused to simply fix the document, they required us to go through the process again. The first time was 6 months. This time was about 4 months, but we have the new dispensation and it has been legalized. This was a huge hurdle for us. We don't know for sure how long it will be now before she comes home, but we are thrilled to be past this point.

We are also really concerned for Merline's health. While I was in Haiti at the beginning of December I found out that Merline was getting sick quite a bit. She told me that she was throwing up after eating almost every time she ate and had been doing it for almost 3 months. I was shocked and worried. I was so blessed to have my really good friend and our pediatrician, Abby, with us. She watched her and checked on her and ended up calling home and getting medicines ready for another group to bring the following week. We kind of landed it possibly being an ulcer being exacerbated by the stress of being the oldest and most responsible girl in the orphanage and the stress of knowing that she should be coming home and she's not. During my visit there wasn't a 15 minute period Merline could sit without being called to help one of the younger girls. Yes, it's Haiti and, yes, this is typical, but it's not easy.

We have researched the possibility of getting a medical visa and learned that it really wasn't an option for her. We were also afraid that it would cause issues with the adoption and we don't want that. We just want her home with us where we can care of her and she can be a kid for a while.

Riley, Emmie, and Molly are all doing okay, but miss their sister and have moments of tears and "whys" for which we have no answers. The good thing is that we have been put in a place where all we can do is trust God. He started this craziness and I know He will finish it.

As for Harvest Field Ministries, God has been more than faithful. There have been so many things that have been evidence that God is driving this train and we are just along for the ride. The relationships that have grown with the people we're working with in Les Anglais, Haiti are great. It's so clear that the people we are working with there are God led and willing to follow God's call regardless of the strain it may put on their lives. It seems that our experiences in Haiti have taught us to second guess the motives and the heart of anyone we come in contact with. It is becoming clear that Pastor Ivan and his family are not "typical" and we have much to learn from them.

The main lesson God has been trying to teach me in the last few months is to just trust Him. Though I am not one to relinquish control easily, I am starting to understand that if I just let go He will take care of the things I've been struggling with for so long. Whether it's forgiveness or my lack of faith or my sweet little girl, He holds it all, along with me.

Gladeis' story...from Brendan's eyes

2011-07-15T09:04:00.006-04:00

This was written by Brendan, one of the med students on our last medical trip a couple weeks ago. It's a snapshot into some of the tough situations these medical teams deal with.

From across the diagnostics/treatment tent I see Dr. Josh gesturing for me to come over. It is a rudimentary establishment, some blue tarp extending from the side of a clapboard-and-t in building, propped up by metal poles on the far end. A plank laid across two wicker chairs serves as
a backless bench for waiting patients. It is only late morning and already the temperature is climbing into the 90s. Although the tarp offers a modicum of shade, the sun's heat combined with the moisture emanating from roughly two dozen bodies crammed into a tight space make for a tropical microclimate. As I make my way over the treacherously uneven ground I realize there is no classy way to wipe away sweat as it pours down the bridge of your nose.

"Put your stethoscope right there," Dr. Josh says quietly. Gladeis Jeanly, a slender girl of seventeen, sits quietly on one of the wicker chairs borrowed from the adjacent shop. Her face remains expressionless, but the sidelong glance she is giving me speaks of trust, tempered with wariness. "May I?" I ask, gesturing to the bell of my stethoscope. She nods silently before Jaques the translator even says anything. As the earpieces nestle snugly within my ear canals, I hear the background noise fade to a muffled hum. Nearly all of my sensory input now comes from that device. As I slide the bell into place on her left chest, my eyes barely recognize the satiny red fabric of her dress. My brain is disregarding their input as superfluous; what matters is the sound that is being channeled from within her chest to my ears, and that sound is unsettling. "Rheumatic fever," Dr. Josh says "or at least, that's what we expect happened. We weren't here." He explains the auto-immune disorder that occurs with a certain strain of untreated strep - the body begins to dissolve the valves of its own heart in a woefully misguided attempt at attacking the infection. For whatever reason, rheumatic fever is incredibly rare in the U.S., but it seems to be disturbingly common in Haiti.

A healthy heart makes the familiar lub-dub noise when you listen to it. A heart with a "murmur," as a leak is referred to, sounds more like lub-swish as blood escapes the heart chambers through a faulty valve. The only sound coming from this heart is an agonizingly long, unpunctuated whoosh. "We've been following this case for about two years now," Dr. Josh says. "We had an echo-cardiogram done. We suspect that she got over the strep years ago, but now all of her valves are completely gone." I stare in silence for a second at her chest wall, imagining that heart pumping in vain, raggedy valves flapping uselessly. "So. what do we do?" Dr. Josh's jaw sets. He says nothing for a while, and then, quietly: "This is why it would have been nice to see her when it was just strep."

He sits back down in his chair across from Gladeis. They look at each other for a few moments wordlessly, Josh sweating beneath his weathered Hawkeyes baseball cap, Gladeis in her red dress, hands folded in her lap. The sun filters through the tarp above and washes the entire area in a faded pastel blue. Josh shifts in his seat, not looking away from her, but obviously grasping for words. He makes a glance at Jacques the translator sitting next to him, who nods in acknowledgement. Turning back to Gladeis, he says: "What you have is something rare in the
United States." The translator quickly iterates the Creole version. Gladeis remains stone-faced. Dr. Josh continues: "These doctors here, they don't see this disease that you have. You are teaching them." A blink from Gladeis. "Because of you, other people will be better." Blink. "You should be proud." Maybe a slight nod, maybe just a tiny bow of resignation.

I've had the stethoscope out of my ears for several minutes now, but the background noise seems to have completely stopped. Assessments are occurring behind me, procedures and conversations and research inquiries, but none of it registers. Right now the entire world revolves around this one moment, between doctor and slowly-dying patient. "May I pray for you?" Gladeis nods. Her slender hands disappear almost completely in his has he leans forward, hunching over in thought. He gently caresses her fingers with his, his veins bulging in the heat and rolling with the movement of his tendons. They sit like that for a few moments, Gladeis serene and melancholy as Josh's hands articulate the frustration and anguish his face refuses to express. "God, please help this poor girl-" I hear him begin. Jacques dutifully interprets. The prayer becomes a mumble to me as the scene sears itself into my memory forever - the serenity of Gladeis' face and weary-yet-resilient posture, the blue tint in the air under the tarp reminiscent of light through a cathedral's stained glass, the physical connection between hands communicating intent far before language refines the details. I step out into the blazing afternoon sun and make a bee-line up the road. No way in hell my eyes are going to stay dry for much longer. My task for the moment is to find a quiet place to lose it while thinking about the difference that a few cents worth of penicillin could have made some years ago in the life of Gladeis Jeanly.

Gladeis' case is all too familiar. I think about how often my kids have had strep throat, and how if not treated, their heart could become like Gladeis'. These medical teams see some very tough cases. In the same day the docs saw Gladeis, they also saw a 30 year old, single mother of 4, with late stage breast cancer. There was nothing they could do for her medically. They prayed with her, held her hand, and talked with her about the need to find someone to take care of her children soon.

But for all the frustrations of what the medical teams can't help with, there are just as many success stories. Pre-ecclamptic pregnant women who get IV meds and taken to hospital. Men & women with blood pressures that could stroke at any minute that are given meds to get their hypertension under control. Babies delivered safely in a sterile environment. Children receive meds whose bellies are infested with parasites. Sometimes it's just being willing to sit with an old lady and listen to her story. But at every medical clinic we do, I know this...Lives are saved. Hope is given freely. Love is administered to every single patient.

If you are interested in being part of one of our medical teams, please email me at brian@harvestfieldhaiti.org

Meet Joseph

2011-07-02T22:52:00.001-04:00

I want to introduce you to my new friend, Joseph. I'm a lucky man to have met him yesterday afternoon. Hyppolite and I are in Les Anglais trying to scout out some potential existing buildings in which to move 20 children in Pastor Ezena's orphanage. For now Pastor Ezena has the children in an abandoned church sanctuary but conditions are horrible - space is not adequate; no toilet facilities; no bathing facilities; it's low lying with standing water so the mosquitoes (and hence malaria & typhoid) are horrible. There is no place for the kids to play; and if the land owner ever shows up they could evict them. Lots of reasons to get these children somewhere safe as soon as we can. These children have no other place to go.

So yesterday we toured the vacant home we'd like to rent - a nice 2 story home with 5 bedrooms, dining room/big kitchen, 3 toilets with sufficient septic space, a fenced in back yard for the children to play in, very close to a public well (that pastor Ezena actually had installed for the community), and...only $1,900 per year to rent it!

As I'm looking around I see lots of children there, and I asked the property owner "Whose kids are these and will they have a place to stay if we rent this house?" The landlord responded that they were all his kids or friends of his kids and he was just letting them play here sometimes because the house was empty and they liked the back yard. "Except this one" he said, "that's Joseph," pointing to Joseph who was busy playing by himself, kicking a piece of gravel around like a soccer ball, with all the intensity as if he was in the final game of the world cup. I said "What's Joseph's story? Where are his parents?" The man began to explain to Pastor Ezena and I that he had found Joseph sleeping on the street in front of his house a couple months ago. He felt bad for him so he was permitting him to sleep in a vacant shack behind the home we'd like to rent for the orphanage. I asked if he had eaten today and he responded "poco" (not yet). It was 6:00 PM. "He never know who his daddy is and his momma went to port-au-prince 6 month ago and just leave him in the street with nobody" the man explained. I asked "How old are you Joseph?" he just shrugged his shoulders. "He don't know how old he is; he don't even know for sure how many months since his momma go away. But I think he got about 8 years" the landlord shared matter-of-factly.

I looked across at Pastor Ezena, who had knelt down to the child. He looked at him and said, "Joseph, would you like to stay with me until we can find your family?" Staring down at the ground, never making eye contact, Joseph just grinned and nodded yes.

Ok, at this point the big, strong blanc (me) had been reduced to a blubbering heap. The ironic thing is Pastor Ezena and I had just had a conversation about how we didn't have funds to properly care for the 20 boys and girls, so we definitely do not need to add anymore children. Then we met Joseph.

I felt like such a hypocrite. So many times I've expressed frustration about orphanages in Haiti who accept too many kids and allow them to live in awful conditions. So many times I've condemned men like Pastor Ezena for taking a child in, when he doesn't have the ability to provide for him. But in this situation I couldn't say anything except for "good job" to Pastor Ezena.

Some of the kids at pastor Ezena's orphanage have parents. We are working with them to learn a skill or trade so they can provide for their children and we can place them back into their family. But for several others, whose parents are dead or who have been abandoned, like Joseph, it is a different story. Unless their family can be found, they will be with Pastor Ezena until adulthood. Pastor Ezena is their daddy now, and he is a good one.

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy...

If you would like to help with support or renting the home for these 20... or 21 children, you can contact me at Brian@harvestfieldhaiti.org. If you can't help financially, please pray for those who can, and please pray for Joseph for a couple minutes today.

Blessings,
Brian

Confession Time - I'm Gross (Brian's 1st Blog)

2011-05-11T16:27:00.000-04:00

Rachel has asked me to blog on here but most of the time I’m more of a tweet & facebook kind of guy. Spare time seems pretty rare for me, so I usually don’t want to use it to sit in front of a keyboard. But I had a revelation the other day so I thought I’d use my inaugural guest blog to confess & share…I’m gross.

Spiritually gross, that is. This is no big surprise to those of you that know me well. I could tell you lots of ways my heart is black and sinful but for today I want to just share a little bit about ugly pride. You may (or may not) have noticed, I’ve been a little leaner on the tweets & facebook posts the last few weeks. That has been intentional and here is why – Pride. A few weeks ago I’m reading through Leviticus and I found myself thinking “there is nothing good in here to tweet”. I know, yuck. The sad thing is, it wasn’t until later in the day that it hit me how disgusting the thought was. I’m sitting at my desk and it hits me. “Did I actually say that?” “Did I actually take the Holy, Perfect Scripture; the Living, Breathing Word of God, perfect in all ways, and have a negative thought about it because I couldn’t find a neat little verse that is 140 characters or less?!” I had made Scripture more about me wanting to tweet something than about me learning something that could make me more like Jesus. I had made it all about me.

There have been times I’ve thought facebook is “of the debul” (that’s “of the devil” to anyone who is not a Adam Sandler/Waterboy fan) so I just had to ask myself why I started doing the whole tweet/facebook thing anyway? It started as a way to let folks know about what was going on with Harvest Field & our family and hopefully to provide some encouragement & truth in people’s day. And none of those are bad reasons; but I think I have to be careful or it can become very PRIDEFUL.

Rachel calls Pride the ‘gateway sin’ like marijuana is a gateway drug. Sure, smoke a little of the devil’s lettuce and it’s no big deal; but then a year later you find yourself downtown in an abandoned building sitting on a dirty floor sharing needles to shoot heroin. You get a little pride, sure it’s no big deal; but then it leads to gossip, envy, vanity, lust, arrogance, anger, etc. Okay, maybe the analogy is a little bit of a stretch, but hopefully you get the picture. We can all get a little prideful about who we think we are or what we think we’ve accomplished; then we find ourselves being envious because we think we should get the same deal our neighbor got; or we find ourselves gossiping and using our words to tear people down; or we grow a short fuse and easily become angry with others. It’s a really gross cycle that pride can get kickstarted.

So my commitment is this – I plan to keep doing the twitter and facebook thing, and maybe an occasional blog (if Rachel allows me after this one) but I need to often do what I call the “spiritual arm pit self sniff”. You know how when you’ve been in haiti for a while and you catch a whiff of someone with bad body odor and the thought enters your head “Oh no, I wonder if that is me that smells like a 6^th grade boys locker room?” So you wait until (you think) no one is looking and discreetly lift your arm and crane your neck over towards your own arm pit to sniff and see if it is you that is so rank. Well I need to this same thing, but in a Spiritual way. It looks different though…it is more a picture of getting on my knees and saying “Lord, please shine a spotlight on the darkest area of my heart. Show me where the sin is, that I’m not even recognizing as sin. Make me aware of my grossness, then burden me with a desire to confess and repent that sin and have true heart change.”

We all have a lot of sin in our life. I am just very grateful that no matter how gross I am, my God will always provide more GRACE than I have sin.

My Joy!!

2011-04-15T09:40:00.007-04:00

When we walk the valleys it's hard to see the beauty of what is right in front of your face... I'm thankful for the hugeness (not even sure that's a word) of God and the joy He gives me every day.

Here's a little taste of my Joy...

My Sweet Funny Girls!!!

These three crazy girls are hilarious! They each have their own flavor of comedy. They are quirkiest, silliest

girls I have ever known. God could not have picked a more perfect addition to our girls than Merline. She is so a combination of Emmie and Molly it's funny. They're all quite full of themselves...

Molly, well just look at the picture, she's just Molly!!

Merline LOVES to take pics of herself!

Don't be fooled, she may look sweet, but she will leave you bleeding on the side of the road with her quick wit and sharp tongue!

My Little Boy (who's not so little anymore)

Riley and Coach Dooley

The joy this kid gets from any form of sports is crazy. He gets more out of sports than I knew was possible. He has a crazy amount of stats in his head, and not just about current players. He soaks it all up. His first UT football game it poured the rain from the beginning to the end, but Riley wouldn't leave the game until the last player left the field after it was over.

And as much as he tries to hide it, he seriously loves his sisters. All 3 of them...

My Brian (I know, GAG, right??)

Daddy and Merline at bedtime

This guy amazes me.. I cannot imagine walking through this life without him. Honestly, being married to him has not been easy... He takes chances and is willing to risk it all. But the beauty is that he risks it all for God. We have been burned many, many times, but Brian always reminds me that if He leads us to the fire, He will not withdraw His hand. He stretches me and it hurts beyond hurt and he helps me grow. He loves all his babies like a madman and is always willing to act a fool to make them laugh. He puts up with my insanity and does it with grace. It's impressive since I can be a bit of a handful. : ) He's nowhere near perfect, but he's ours and we count ourselves blessed...

Sweet, Sweet Friends

Carol and her little girl, Islande

Hyppolite and his little girl, Lightdine

In this world we live in good friends are hard to come by. I don't mean just friends, I mean the kind of friends that you can count on to love you even when you're at your worst and can't find a good thing to say about anything. People that, when you're in the pit, are willing to get dirty and stick their hand down and help lift you out. Sometimes they're even willing to crawl down in the pit with you and sit with you in the mud and muck. I can't even begin to imagine our lives without these people...

Jesus

This is for Brian : )

Cannot even imagine what this place would look like with out Jesus... Most days I can't even work up the energy to suck wind without him. The truth of His word is how I want to live my life. I fail most days, but because of His willingness to die, it's okay that I fail. He picks me back up, pats me on the back, and sets back on the path. Thankful for His sweet grace.

The Path
Joy is knowing you're on the path you're supposed to be on. Joy is knowing that even if the path is hidden by debris sometimes the one that is always holding your hand knows the way... Trying to enjoy the journey is hard sometimes and looking too far ahead is inevitable, but leaning on our provider, protector will keep us centered and on the path... Joy is knowing that even when you feel like your all alone, you never really are.

Thank you God for covering us always, and being gentle with us when we fight against you. May our feet never leave your path...

This Life...

2011-03-28T18:02:00.001-04:00

It's been quite some time since I've taken moment to gather my thoughts for a blog post. There's been quite a bit going on and I'm not sure anyone really wants to know the craziness that has been our life. To be honest, I have been lying low just trying to take it all in and make sense of things I now know will never make any sense at all. If there's anyone out there looking for something to pray for here ya go! Please, please, please have at it!!!

I'll start with a few truths about being in ministry. It. Is. Hard. There are lots of times that I look around and really don't recognize what our life has become. I remember saying yes to God and am aware that saying yes to God does not mean a life full of blessings recognizable to the world. I am aware that being obedient to God makes us very attractive to Satan(and this is true for anyone being obedient to God). What I wasn't prepared for was the ease with which he (the enemy) could use people in our lives to tear us down, people we never imagined. The power of the words people speak cannot be taken lightly. Silence can be deafening. Never knowing who to trust is difficult. Ministries can be damaged and people hurt. This kind of hurt is not something I ever thought we would face in this walk. I have learned that everyone has an agenda. Everyone. Here's the thing... We cannot be moved. As for our agenda... Our agenda is to follow God, regardless of the rocks (or boulders) the enemy puts in our path.

I know that God's plan is not to harm us and that all the difficulties we face will create character in us. I know that God is sovereign and although I ache to the core because of the words and actions of a few, God is still in control. In the words of my sweet husband (who is wise as well) "in the scope of our eternity, none of this matters, it doesn't even register on the radar. All this is just a vapor when compared to eternity." I so wish it was as easy for me to see through Kingdom Eyes as it is for him. Until I can grow into that I will rest in this...

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”     ~Psalm 91

Thank you sweet Jesus for loving me through my struggles and for not leaving my side as I wrestle with the hard stuff... I love you... Amen

Belloc

2011-03-02T10:20:00.000-05:00

I'm jealous... Brian's in Haiti now and he's getting to spend some time with some great people that I miss so much. He and the group with him, from Indiana, are spending the week in the community of Belloc. The people of Belloc have endured quite a bit in last few years. I am so excited that there are so many groups of people wanting to form relationships with these crazy-beautiful people.

Belloc

The community of Belloc used to be the main place Pastor Nicholas took people who came to Haiti on mission trips. The people of Belloc became used to people coming and getting the things they brought with them. Just like we do here in the U.S. they started to expect it. After Pastor Nicholas became sick and people stopped sending money to his ministry the boy's orphanage had to close it's doors and people stopped coming like they had before. Tensions grew and a pastor left the church. The beauty of this is that the people grew in this time and remembered that God is their provider, not a pastor or a group of blancs. Leaders have risen up in the church and they are working to care for each other. This time as people start coming in and helping it's different. The goal is relationship, long-term. Through relationships spiritual growth can happen. Through relationships skills can be taught for self sufficiency. Through relationships there is change, in us and in them. This is beautiful.

So excited that this week the people of Belloc are breaking ground on a new church along with some partners from Indiana. The church was destroyed in the earthquake and they have been worshipping in a tent since that time. The faith of these people is amazing and we have much to learn from them.

Church

"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God." ~Psalms 40:1-3

This and That

2011-02-22T09:45:00.000-05:00

Time goes by so fast and so slow. Weird. Riley, Merline, Emmie, and Molly are growing so fast and changing so much. One of the reasons I've decided to blog about our journey is to document, for our kids and for us, what we miss when we get caught up in the everyday chaos. It can be so hard to see the massive blessings that are being poured out onto our family when homework has to be done, fingers get smashed, or when the kids are missing Daddy or Merline. These are just a few tidbits of life that I don't want to miss...

Riley
Riley is getting so big and he's starting to change. He's starting to get a little quieter and really watches things that are going on around him. He's very aware. He's always been aware of people and their feelings, their needs. He loves hard and feels deeply. All of these things worry me because, as a mom, I want him to feel as little pain as possible. Given how God has created him, this will not be possible. I am thankful that he already understands that God is in his corner and will never leave him. Still, the mommy in me wants to shield him from the bumps and bruises of life. On the flip side, I still see bits of my little boy and the silliness of a child. He told me that I was his valentine on Valentine's Day and that he was a Mama's boy. I know these things will change and he will grow into a sometimes surly, angst-ridden teen-age boy soon, but for now I will gather up all the sweet moments I can and tuck them away for the day that little boy turns into a man.

Emmie
My little Emersen is also starting to change a little. She no longer likes pink or Dora the Explorer. As Emmie has grown we have seen that she has a quirky sense of humor and she is happy being her own person. She doesn't need a lot of people around to have fun, in fact, just give her a book and cozy spot to curl up in and she's content. In the past year Emmie has made the decision to accept Jesus into her heart and she did it in typical Emmie fashion. She told me on the way home from school one day that she prayed by herself at school and asked Jesus into her heart. I asked her a ton of questions, including why she didn't wait until she was with me and Daddy, and she just said "Mama, I asked God if it was time and he said yes, so I prayed." I wish I was that confident in what I hear God saying to me.

Molly

Little Molly... Molly is beautiful and sweet. I watch her as she follows behind Emmie wanting to be bigger. She lost the second of her two front teeth last night and she was so happy. She finds it fascinating that she can fit her whole tongue in the hole. She's funny. She is so excited about getting to go to Haiti with Brian and I when we go to get Merline to bring her home. She thinks that is so cool and she wants to see her sister more than anything. There's a lot of anxiety around the unknown for Molly and we are excited to be able to put some of those fears to rest for her. We can't wait until then too.

Merline
We are lucky that Brian gets to visit with Merline so often, and that we can call her, but we are ready to bring her home. We pray everyday that she will feel our love for her all the way in Haiti and that, even more, she will know how God loves her and has a plan for her.

I think we all, as mamas and daddies, have times when our babies are little and we're tired, lost in a sea of diapers and are unsure if we can speak coherently or when they are older and they challenge us at every turn that we wonder what God was thinking trusting me with these little people. I have had that thought so many times in so many different situations, but I have to say, I am so glad He has allowed Brian and I to be Mommy and Daddy for these little ones. I can't imagine my life without them.

My Faith Is Not My Own...

2011-02-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days since I've been here and it's been quite hectic around our house. Brian came home and the kids are off the wall excited that he will be home for at least another good week. We are close to having the house finished and we will be ready to bring Merline home. Just hoping things will get moving so we can get her home. I miss her so much.

This has definitely been a walk of faith to where we are in the adoption of our daughter, and to be honest, it's not done. Here's a recap... We no longer have a retirement nest-egg that we had from Brian's stint in the "corporate" world. We now pray that one of our kids will do well financially and have mercy on us when we're old. : ) We have put our trust in people far away from us (who don't love our little girl like we do) to follow our paperwork and make sure it gets through the appropriate channels in a government that can't even hold an election without massive chaos and widespread fraud. We have added onto our house to make room for her to be here because according to the U.S. government, our house was just not big enough for another person, even though no one would have had a problem if I popped one out the "normal" way. Here's the kicker - even after all of that - we could still be told no. Nothing is written in stone. Nothing is final until we go and get her and she plants her feet on U.S. soil.

It's okay, and here's why... Because God started this process, we didn't. He started it many years ago when He planted the seed of adoption in Brian's heart. Regardless of whether or not Merline ever gets to lay her head down to sleep on a soft pillow in her new purple room, she's still my little girl and I will be a part of her life for as long as God allows. Of course this would be very ugly and I know that only God would be able to get me through.

All of this is tough. Leaving my child after spending a week with her in Haiti is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is no different for me than leaving Riley, Emersen, or Molly there while I come back here and do life. It's harder than I ever could have imagined. I am so grateful that the faith Brian and I walk in is not our own. If faith were something I had to conjure up every day, I would be a mess and would have jumped off this crazy train long ago. Instead God gives it to me every day. I know that He has started us on this path and regardless of the outcome he will be made more and we will be made less. And in the end I pray my little girl will get to come home...

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." Romans12:3

Adventures

2011-02-08T01:22:00.000-05:00

So Brian has gone back to Haiti again and it seems like the kids have been re-energized by having their Daddy at home, even if just for a few days. I am thankful because the less drama this week the better!

We are close to being finished with construction on the addition to our house. We started the addition before Christmas to make room for a new addition to our family. When we moved into this house we knew that someday we would be adopting a child from Haiti because God had already revealed that to us. What we didn't know was when it would happen and we just didn't think about trying to fit 4 growing children, 2 adults, and a 80 pound hairy dog into a 1500 sq. ft. house. No, our thoughts were focused on getting into a position, financially, for Brian to walk away from his career to follow where God was leading. (I still kind of freak at this a little.) Just like many parents all over the world, God gave us a little surprise. Only this surprise isn't in the form of a 7 pound baby girl. Nope. It's in the form of a 12 year old, prepubescent girl with a wicked sense of humor and some mad dance moves! Oh my goodness... I can honestly tell you between Merline's dance moves, Riley's indoor basketball, Molly's constant game of chase with the dog, and Emmie's strong desire to have a quiet place to disappear to, this house was too small. : )

So, as we reach the end of this most recent adventure of adding onto our house, I am getting excited about the start of the next adventure... Bringing our baby girl home! I can't wait to bring her home and watch her experience all kinds of firsts that the other three kids have already experienced. I can't wait to see the world through her eyes and recognize the blessings we have in our life. We take so much for granted. My little girl cannot even fathom a refrigerator with food inside right now. I wish we could save her from the depravity of having much. Where is the balance? Where she is now, she has so little and those around her have even less. I don't want her to think that how we do it here in America is the right way. It's not. I don't want her to think that living with nothing, eating only enough to keep your body from shutting down is the right thing. It's not. Somewhere in the middle is where I pray we land.

I so desire for all my children to know that we are only blessed with "things" because God chose to give them to us. The "stuff" we fill our lives with can often be distractions from the life we need to live. Distraction from what we should spend our life doing, loving people. We only have a short time here on this earth and it's easy to spend that time thinking about how things aren't going our way and how we need more. Brian and I want more than that for our kids. I read a blog post a while back that just nailed it for me. It was titled "I don't want my children to be happy." It spoke to what I want from my own life as much as what I want for my children's lives. For the time we have here on this Earth, I just want to be in the fat middle of God's will. Wherever and whatever that looks like...

And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today, at the latest, tomorrow—we're off to such and such a city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that." ~James 4:13-15, The Message

Where We Are...

2011-02-01T09:19:00.005-05:00

Brian's been in Haiti for a while and he came home today. I cannot put into words how nice it is to have him here for a few days. There is so much to do and so very little time to do it, but I'm trying to shut that out for just a bit so we can just focus on being a family, even if it's just for a few days.

The kids have struggled with Brian being gone much more this time. I'm struggling with how to teach them to trust that God has us where He wants us. It's tough and I do a really stinky job at it.

Riley still seems to be okay, but I know he tries to be tough. He seems to know when his little sisters are close to the edge and that if he loses it, they lose it. I don't like that he feels the need to hold it together for his sisters. Responsibility will come, I just want him to be able to be little for a while longer.

While Emmie seems to deal with Brian being gone well most of the time, she has reached her limit. a few nights ago we were discussing two birthday parties she had been invited to and I reminded her that Brian would be leaving early Saturday morning before she woke up (in hopes that she would see the Friday party was a better choice than the mid-week party). Her eyes welled up and she said she didn't want to go to any birthday parties, she just wanted to stay with Daddy. After lots of conversation and hugs and kisses, she and I finally made a decision together that she would go to her friend, Maddie's party since Daddy would be leaving before she woke up on Saturday anyway. I have no idea how to manage all these little feelings. I hate the hurt she feels and I hate that there's no easy fix. So hard.

And little Molly has really just struggled from the get-go this time. She just has a strong need for all of us to be together in the same place as often as possible. Molly is a home-body. She is most comfortable at home with her doggie and her peeps (in that order). Take her out of that for more than a few days and the melt down starts. It's very difficult to keep her in a good place so she can find her "happy" and do well in school. She doesn't get this Haiti stuff, she's never been where we we've been. She doesn't understand getting a new sister, she's never played with her and never hugged her. It's hard to expect her to understand these things when even we have a hard time getting it. I pray for peace for my little girl and for words that will build her up, not tear her down.

We walk with one foot in one world and the other foot in another world and it's so hard. I know that God has our family where he wants us, and that we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. Making sure our family, our first ministry, is safe is hard. Exposing ourselves to the hits that come with walking in ministry is something Brian and I can handle, maybe not well, but we do handle it. Exposing our children to those hits... not good at that. Can't seem to find the balance between letting them understand that things aren't always easy and this stuff is just too much. Praying for God to pour out wisdom. Until then I'm just gonna crawl into Psalm 91 and rest...

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you...

I Saw What I Saw...

2011-01-29T10:07:00.001-05:00

I Saw What I Saw is a beautiful song by Sara Groves that captures the feelings of amazement, hurt, and joy all evoked by the strength of these people...

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it, I heard what I heard and I can't go back, I know what I know and I can't deny it...

Something on the road
Cut me to the soul...

Your pain has changed me,
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love...

We've done what we've done
and we can't erase it...
We are what we are
and it's more than enough...
We have what we have
but it's no substitution...

Your pain has changed me,
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love...

And what I know of God...

All photos were taken by a sweet friend, Shannon Kelley. Thanks Shannon for capturing such beautiful images and for letting me share...

Gleaning Wisdom

2011-01-27T20:53:00.002-05:00

I have opened up the invitation to Brian to blog on here from time to time, but he hasn't taken me up on it yet. But this morning he shared something on twitter/facebook that I just thought was worthy of sharing. So, I'm doing it for him... : )

From Brian:

I met with a gentleman named Walt Baker a couple days ago. Walt was called to full-time service in Haiti in 1958. What an amazing guy and a wealth of knowledge. In the few hours we were together he shared much advice that I enjoyed, but one piece of advice I particularly appreciated was for me to grasp the idea that my role is not to have a ministry that is succeeding (in the worlds eyes) but instead to just be obedient to whatever God asks of me. This is the exact advice I received from another 80+ yr old veteran of international missions a couple months ago. These are two Godly men in the waning stages of their earthly life who have lived and learned much and they are now sharing their heart with younger guys so I think I'd be a fool to not listen. And as I've thought about their wise council I've realized it isn't just foreign missions work that we should apply that to - it's everything our lives.

God doesn't lose sleep over the success or failure (in earthly measurements) of our efforts - He is concerned about our obedience and the attitude of our heart in that obedience.

Lord, let our actions be obedient to all you ask of us today, and let our hearts be pure in those moments of obedient action. Amen.

PS - Will you please pray for Walt's wife, Dottie, today? She is finishing up chemotherapy in the States now as they prepare to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary soon.

Drama...

2011-01-26T17:09:00.004-05:00

This world is full of drama. It's everywhere and I get so weary. Why is it necessary to beat each other up? Why do we feel the need to have people on "our side?" When did it become okay to be ugly to people and say hurtful things in the vein of being honest? None of this sounds like scripture to me. To be honest, none of this sounds like basic kindness to me. Make no mistake, this is not meant to be "preachy", I have found myself involved in this stuff too. I don't know many people, or really anyone who hasn't found themselves in the middle of a he said/she said mess. I'm finally understanding why there always seems to be some kind of drama.

Drama is no more than a smokescreen used by the enemy to take our eye off God and to distort our view of each other.

Taking the focus off God and placing it on chaotic situations around us causes us to lose sight of what should be the most important thing... God's will and His call on each of our lives. If we focus our time and attention on stuff like "why does he/she not like me" or what one person says about another, what time do we have to give to listening to God or hearing where He wants us to walk next. Oh my gosh, how unbelievably lost we'll be. I have been that person. I'm a people-pleaser, I want everybody to like me. I have spent unknown hours obsessing about what someone has said or is saying about me. Sounds stupid, is stupid, but it's true.

When people talk and talk things get crazy, stories grow, people form opinions. Many of those opinions are unhealthy and based on nothing close to truth. This is what Satan uses to separate us from each other and the will of God. What I have learned though, is that Satan can't use this stuff unless he's given a foot-hold. We open ourselves up by being insecure or by being prideful and thinking "I've got this thing figured out." Truth is, none of us have it figured out. Once all this happens our view of each other has been changed. We don't trust each other. When we allow this to happen how can we possibly achieve what God has called us, as a people, to do in this world. We can't, it's that simple.

Knowing these things, my prayer for me and my family is that we can keep it simple and keep our focus. It's not easy, we are a family of messy and sinful people who are sucking air on this earth only because God decided we could. We will try to love people like God and treat people the way Jesus did. We Will Fail. And when we fail, we know that God will place His hands under our arms, much like a Daddy with his toddler, and lift us back up to continue on. It is my hope and desire that we as a family can keep it together enough to shine His light and bring HIS name more fame and more glory, not ours. That's what it's all about.

God Is So Great!

2011-01-23T23:17:00.005-05:00

I guess another name for this post could be God's Answers to "My Moment." Funny. Here is how God answered my pity-party issues last night...

~First and foremost, athlete's foot does not cause death, which was kinda what it was looking like last night, poor guy. We didn't have anything last night so I ended up squeezing a ton of hydro-cortisone cream on it and told him it would help. Don't know if it actually did help or if the idea that it might help did the trick, but he finally got to sleep. We treated it today with the real stuff and he should be good to go soon. Interesting note, my brother called me and told me today that honey can be used as an anti-fungal. "Next time put it on the affected area and stick footies on him." (Thank you Randy, you have the oddest things locked in that mind!) Looked it up on the internet and not only can it be used as an anti-fungal, it can also be used as an anti-bacterial and anti-viral. Crazy!! Oh, and guess what? I have a jar of local raw honey in the cabinet. Oh well, live and learn.

~As for getting my little girl home, God will bring her home in His timing. Oh, that's a hard pill to swallow. I want to tuck her into her bed at night, pray with her, and kiss her sweet head. It's okay though, I know that God's got this. Even if I'm crying again tomorrow, and odds are I will be. Regardless of fixed elections, cholera, Baby Doc, or other hindrances, God's plan will be accomplished by His power alone. It's how we've gotten this far and I take comfort in that.

~When it comes to spending the night in the living room with 2 adults, 3 kids, 1 big hairy dog, and three rooms of furniture (4 counting the furniture already in the living room), it'll be crazy but short-lived and maybe fun. Honestly, I think God stayed quiet on this one, just like when I was growing up and would whine about something that just wasn't that big a deal and my Mom would give me that "really?" look. You know the look, head cocked to the side, one eyebrow up, hand on the hip. Had I been able to visibly see God, I'm pretty sure He would have had the "really?" look.

~The whole Brian getting home and leaving again thing... we'll deal with it. It'll be difficult, and I'll miss my friend, but it's part of the deal. Thinking we could be a little more realistic in the planning stages next time, but it'll be okay. When I feel the moment coming when I know I'm going to fall apart, I have to trust. Trust in God enough to know that He will bring me through the fire...

"I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout. I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved."
~Psalm 18:1-3, The Message

Having a Moment

2011-01-22T23:12:00.006-05:00

This is going to be one of those purely selfish, basic brain-dump kind of posts. If you don't want to be hit with the gratuitous verbal eruption please go to the top right hand corner and click that little "x."

That was your chance...

~I have a kid with athlete's foot. I know how to treat it, but it's 11pm and the other kids are in the bed and I can't go get the "magic cream" until tomorrow. I've never had athlete's foot, but based on his reaction to the news that I can't get the stuff tonight, athlete's foot is one step below having your foot amputated without anesthesia. Either that or we have some drama...

~I have a sweet little girl that is living in Haiti that I want to bring home. Found out that her paperwork is sitting at the Presidential Palace waiting to be signed by the "ahem" President and it just ain't happening! Nothing is moving through the office right now. This is really one of the last steps to her paperwork being handed off to the U.S. Embassy. So a big fat "thank you" to Baby Doc for coming around and making an already jacked-up situation just that much more insane.

**Did I mention this might be selfish??

~Our house is in the middle of construction to make room for Merline and it's about to get crazy. Don't get me wrong, it's a huge blessing to be able to do it , and it's been fairly unobtrusive to this point, but we are getting ready to put new flooring in every bedroom and the new part of the house at the same time. Which means we all have to sleep in the living room with three bedrooms worth of furniture for a couple of days. Yea for slumber parties...

~Brian's in Haiti right now and when he comes home he'll be here for a whopping 4 days before he heads out again. This is getting to be a trend. When are we going to have time to have some much needed conversation, make the kids feel loved, and prepare for him being gone another week?

Seriously, struggling to find my joy. But I do feel better now...

Some of the Reasons We Love Haiti

2011-01-22T00:10:00.005-05:00

There are so many reasons we love Haiti. It's hard to explain in words what it is that reaches in and grabs hold of your heart. Here are a few of Brian's pictures that express the beauty of Haiti and her people...

These eyes saw more in their lifetime than I could ever imagine...

These feet walked more miles than I could ever count...


Carrying water from the well at Ti Marche

At school in Petionville before the school had to close... It was built into the side of a mountain and wasn't safe.

Petionville

House in the Batay

Lake Azuei, on the border of Haiti and the Dominican Republic

Here We Go!!

2011-01-20T10:27:00.005-05:00

Brian left this morning heading back to Haiti taking a group of 22 to serve in Ti Marche. So excited because no one has ever gone there and focused on them before. Sweet, sweet people.

Molly being Molly

As for the chaos... It has started. Molly struggled last night knowing Daddy was leaving. There were lots of hugs, kisses, and tears. This morning as she got up and started getting ready for school her first question was "is Daddy already in Haiti?" I told her he was on his way and she, very dramatically, rolled her eyes, sighed, and said "oookayy." She then turned around and walked out and was fine for the rest of the morning. It's kinda funny to me that Brian always wonders if Molly really even likes him. She misses him so much when he's gone and gets so excited when he comes home. I just don't think she can possibly understand what Daddy does over there. And what is Haiti? She just cannot wrap her 6 year old brain around it. That's okay, there are moments I can't wrap my 35 year old brain around it.

I'm hoping that we'll be able to take her with us when we go get Merline, whenever that will be, so she can visualize Haiti and know the people we love so much. It certainly helped Riley to go down and Emmie as well. Both of them really seem to "get it" since going and spending some time.

Riley and Jean - total buds!

I will never forget what Riley said after he came home, "I understand why Daddy has to go. I really just thought he was going down there and hanging out with friends." Wow. All we said to him just didn't matter until he went there himself. Riley is our tender-hearted, intuitive kid. He loves hard and hurts deep. I fully expect him to be working in Haiti someday. The picture to the left is of him and his friend, Jean. Jean is actually a part of the Haitian National Police. Major tough guy. Every time I'm in Haiti Jean asks if we can talk to Riley so we call and the light on Jean's face is so cool. Brian says Riley's face is the same. I love that! Jean looks tough, he is actually a mule of a man, but he is really just a big ole softie!

In the truck in PaP

When Emmie went to Haiti she was supposed to stay a week. That ended up changing. We had to change plane tickets and she stayed for 2 weeks and still didn't want to come home. She said she missed those of us left here, but I'm really not sure. I just recently found a music video, and I use that term loosely, that she and Merline made. An entire Taylor swift song with moments of "Yo, who's at da do?" It was quite obvious language wasn't really an issue for those two! During those 2 weeks she spent a crazy amount of time with her sister and her Daddy in a truck driving around Haiti running errands. Here it would have been 2-3 hours probably, but Haiti traffic is a different animal so time in the truck was a major chunk of time. Emmie loved every smelly, bumpy minute of it! Don't really get it, she gets car sick when we drive 8 minutes to the grocery store here.

Merline at the beach in Jacmel

What can I tell you about Merline? She is the sweetest kid! Since we have started the adoption process of Merline she has changed. Merline was so needy just a year ago. She was sometimes even hard to deal with because she was clingy and whiney when I loved on other kids at the orphanage. She didn't ask for anything. She just wanted to be held. She's changed. She now goes and gets other kids and puts them on my lap and then sits next to me, perfectly content. She asks for new sandals and then when we take them she puts them on another girl who needs them, then she walks around in broken flip flops. She loves Froot Loops, which is good since we have cereal night here at least once a week. : ) I can't wait to get her here and watch her personality come out!

Four kids, whether they're all here or not, are sometimes a handful. The ones here are physically challenging and the one not here is emotionally challenging and they are all mentally challenging! I'm just praying we can have fun in the midst of all the chaos.

Obedience Is Obedience

2011-01-19T12:53:00.001-05:00

Obedience... A constant struggle in my life. I have struggled with letting God take over and allowing Him to lead. I seem to have a tough time giving up control, or so I've been told. I don't think there are many of us out there that can say they "give it up" well. What I have noticed is that we do have a tendency to compare one persons call to another and apply "levels of difficulty" to obedience and I have been guilty.

When Brian started feeling the pull to ministry and more so to Haiti, I had this picture in my head of what missionaries looked like. Oh my goodness, we were so not it! Then I started reading this blog of a family living in Haiti. They were so much like us, but they were doing something so big. I could never do what they've done.

What I have learned over the last couple of years is that all they're doing is being obedient. For their family, living in Haiti is what obedience looks like. For my family, Harvest Field and adopting Merline is what obedience looks like. For other people obedience looks like feeding the hungry, literally or spiritually, in another country or in your city. For others being obedient looks like homeschooling your children.

The point is that we are all called by God to action and that includes being obedient, whatever that looks like.

"Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." John 12:26

Welcome Home... and Goodbye...

2011-01-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

Brian got home Saturday night and I feel like I finally let out the breath I've been holding. Don't know why, but no matter how uneventful it is here when Brian's gone, I still feel the load lighten when he comes home. I think it may be that I'm just so glad that I can start saying "go ask your Dad" again. : ) There's just something very calming about having him here.

We don't get to keep him long though. He leaves again later this week to head back down. At the end of this month we will have spent 4 days as a family. So not enough. It will be like this for the next few months. It is not easy. I am definitely amazed by single parents that don't get that release of having a mama or daddy come home.

However, it is part of it and when God asked our family to do this we knew there would be sacrifice. I just thought I would be better at it. Silly. It seems that no matter what I do, I seem to feel like I'm in survival mode. I try to prepare but it doesn't work. I wrestle with giving up the battle and just try to lean into God. I know He will sustain me and He does. But when kids get sick, issues arise, or Brian calls from Haiti and says "I need you to do me a favor" (which never seems to be easy) I find that I grab it all and try, again, to manage it.

I'm sure there are those that think, "you chose this life, deal with the consequences" but really that's not true. We didn't necessarily "choose" this life. We chose to say yes. You don't get to pick and choose the parts you like about the call and those you don't. You get it all. The easy, the hard, and the stinky. It's good, but it can drain you. And really, is there a choice to not answer the call that God has placed on our life? For us, the answer is no. The alternative is something I would rather not consider. And the blessings do far outweigh the struggles. As my friend Angie says, regardless of what we have to walk through, "God still wins." And that is the good news.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to say "YES" to God, but if you see me and I look like I'm falling apart, please remind me to let go and quite trying to do God's job. I'll probably think bad thoughts in my head about how you just don't get it (all said in a whiney voice) but that's just my sinful nature kicking in, I need to hear that God will sustain.

And to Brian, we are fine here... focus on the steps God has ordered for your day. Don't miss it just because it's hard.

So, So Strange... Such Is Haiti

2011-01-17T15:28:00.004-05:00

So we heard last night that Jean-Claude Duvalier, otherwise known as Baby Doc, has returned to Haiti. Nobody knows why exactly, but it is sure to muddy the waters in an already stressed political environment. There are reports that other former presidents will be returning as well, specifically Jean-Bertrand Aristede. Who knows if these reports are true. Stranger things have happened. If true, what is the purpose? I just can't imagine that this could be to help Haiti and isn't just more of the same self-serving attitude of the past.

For those who don't know, BabyDoc was president of Haiti for 15 years before fleeing Haiti in 1986 after major unrest. He has lived in exile in France since that time. He was a torturous leader. There's tons of information out there so do some research about the former president/dictator. Here's a recently written article from the AP that gives some info and some Haitian response...

What's crazy to me is the excitement of so many in Haiti at the return of Baby Doc. It seems as though they don't remember his horrific reign over them. Of course so many in Haiti are too young to really remember. About 50% are too young. A quote from the above article, I think, really nailed the mindset of most Haitians.

"It's like you're in the middle of the sea, and you don't know how to swim. Anything you see, you grab, to survive. Even if you don't know what it is."

So sad, but I can kind of understand that rationale. Haitians do not lack intelligence, they are desperate.

Selfishly, my mind heads straight to adoption and what all of this political unrest means for all adoptions, but especially for Presidential dispensations, as we have to have one to get our little girl home. A Presidential dispensation is basically having the president of Haiti sign off on our adoption because we have biological children. And we're not the only ones. There are many kids, sweet girls we know well, wanting to be home with their families that are waiting for the same thing. It's all crazy but we still have to have it.

Just be praying. Haiti cannot be saved by man alone.

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

Why A Blog???

2011-01-15T18:02:00.005-05:00

Who am I kidding?? I do not have the time for a blog. I have nothing to say that anybody wants to hear. I have read lots of blogs and I just don't think I have the "mad skills", as Riley would say, to be a blogger. Do I really want to put it all out there? No, I really don't. I don't want anybody to know how "ick" we really are and that a lot of days the future is unclear and the enemy is beating the crap out of us!

These are questions and conversations I've had with myself off and on. I don't know why, but it's been a battle that has gone on in me for quite a while. Feeling like I need to do it, but just not sure why. I struggled with my motives for doing it. There was a while that I thought it was required to be "officially" on this path, because it really seems that if you do this kind of thing you must blog. Maybe it's because I wanted to brag about how cool Brian is and how lucky I am to be married to such a stud... Nope, I am reminded every night he's home with us that is not the case, as I trip over his massive tennis shoes on my way to bed.

I've fought the battle and lost. Over the last week I have felt pulled to the computer. It has felt so good to be able to put thoughts in writing. It's akin to pulling the plug out of my head and setting the thoughts free. Otherwise they just bounce around and I have a hard time moving on. Just a little bit of my quirkiness. It's a great way to process.

It's also a good way for our family and friends to keep up with what's going on in our family. We sometimes face difficult things and this will allow them to know how to pray or why we're hiding, which we do every once in a while. There are also lots of little family blurbs that I would love to share. Our kids are goofy and love the idea of showing other people, so I'm sure they'll wiggle their way in here at some point.

If anybody has any questions about Harvest Field feel free to ask. I will try to answer and hopefully Brian will blog from time to time. I would love for people to hear his heart.

It won't always be heavy or deep. I can't take that anymore than anybody else. It will be an honest account of things we see, feel, and experience and how they effect us. No apologies...

If you want to leave comments feel free, but please nothing hateful. This blog is completely full of our personal thoughts, opinions and feelings, and if you don't agree that's okay. Just don't get ugly, I have a mean streak... Totally kidding.

We welcome anyone that wants to walk this journey with us...

Leaving Is So Hard...

2011-01-14T13:34:00.002-05:00

Brian is leaving Camatin, the orphanage where our little girl lives. Actually, he's leaving right now, as I type. I am as messed up as if I were leaving her. This is crazy... I left Haiti and my little girl, Merline, a week ago. It was so hard to walk away from the sweet face that God has entrusted to me. I cried, she cried, we prayed, we hugged, and tickled to try and lighten the mood. It didn't work. It was worth a shot though. Anything is worth hearing that silly giggle. I know God cared for Merline long before I even knew she existed and that He cares for her now while I'm waiting to bring her home, and I know that He will care for her after I'm gone. But I want my hands on her. Touching her face like I touch Molly's every morning. I want to watch her lose herself in her favorite songs with her little ear buds in like I get to do with Emmie every day. I want to teach her to love how our family gets together to watch Tennessee football and basketball like Riley. Selfishly, I just want her here.

Merline's Family's House (where she was born)

I think of her Mama, Margila, who didn't have the chance to watch her little girl grow because she had a baby on the floor in her house and didn't have any medical care. It's so hard to understand when a simple infection is so easily treated here. I imagine that Merline, her baby girl, looks a lot like her. I think of her Papi, Guadys, and the sacrifice he made many years ago to let her go so she could have food to eat and a place to sleep. He's such a sweet man who lost so much in such a short time. He lost his wife, Margila, a few days after she gave birth to their 7th child. Within a month, give or take, he can't really remember, he lost that baby, a boy. Three months later he lost another son, a few years older than Merline, he was sick and had a fever. Not long after that he was given the option of giving his youngest child, Merline, to an orphanage the community church had just opened. She was somewhere around 3 to 4 years old, the details are sketchy. She was tiny for her age, bald due to malnutrition, and full of worms. What I can't get out of my mind is that she was his. She was the daughter of Guadys and Margila. He had lost so much, so quickly. He loved her so much, he wanted her to live, so he sent her to a place he trusted to care for her. He let go. He had to. I cannot even imagine.

Merline's Family's house

Guadys didn't come around for a long time. So long that most people thought she was a "true orphan." Until we started the process to adopt. Merline knew who he was and would speak to him a little, but that was about all. When we spoke to him about adopting and if it was something he would consider his words were, "when I gave her to you (the orphanage) I trusted you and I trust you now. If you say it is good, then it is what I want." He asked if she would go to school, and I told him yes! That was pretty much the conversation. I was confused and hurt for Merline. Don't get me wrong, I was off the wall elated that we could start the process, but how could he just say okay, that's his daughter. My frustration was a sign of the world I have grown up in. If you love someone you fight to keep them! Haiti's different. Sometimes, if you love someone, you let them go if it affords them an opportunity that you can't give them, regardless of how bad it hurts. I realized, after I got over myself, that he loves her enough to let her go. I honestly don't know if I would have the strength to do that. Guadys had lost so much and I can't imagine he could take much more so when he gave her to the orphanage, he let her go in his mind. But not in his heart.

Merline and her Papi, Guadys

Since we have started the adoption process he has started coming to visit Merline. They have this neat relationship. They joke with each other and you can see the love on his face. You can also see that he's released her. He can't take care of her, he can barely take care of himself and the other children (who are older now), even though he works so hard. I'm amazed by the kind of love it takes to do what he's done. I'm so glad that when Merline comes home she'll have had some sweet time with her Papi (she calls Guadys Papi and Brian is Daddy, that's her distinction) and she'll have sweet memories of him walking for miles to come and visit her. I want her to come back and see him as often as we can afford to get her on a plane. When he visits she always wants to give him something and if it's when I'm there she runs up and grabs food out of our stash, chips, peanut butter, crackers, chocolate, anything. I just love that she wants to share with him. Honestly, that's just her heart, she gives everything away. I pray she never loses that.

Adoption from Haiti is hard. The way we are adopting is hard. Getting to see her and form a bond and having a foundation for when she comes home is a gift. Leaving her is kind of like somebody reaching in and taking my heart out of my chest and then telling me to get on the truck and go home. It stinks. Don't misunderstand, any adoption is hard and all adoption should be God breathed. It's not for everybody and I strongly, strongly believe that not every child in Haiti should be adopted. Not even every child in an orphanage(my opinion). But adoption is beautiful. It reminds me that I am a child of God, He adopted me to be in His family, He chose me to be His and He released me from my fear. That's what I want for all of my children. Merline, Riley, Emersen, and Molly...

For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" ~ Romans 8:15

I didn't mean for this post to be this long... It really started out as a struggle to process and deal with being away from my little girl. Somehow it changed. I'm grateful I have this outlet to share about Merline's family. I cannot put into words how blessed Brian and I feel to be a part of the Augustave family and to have them be a part of ours.

Rewind... Back to the Beginning

2011-01-13T13:13:00.001-05:00

At this point in the life of this blog there are very, very few people reading. Thank goodness... takes the pressure off. However, I realize that there may be a day when a few more people join in and may not know the road that has brought us to this point. So, I'll back way up and try to keep it simple. This is not a short story though, so grab a cup of coffee before you start. I promise my other posts will not be this long.

Everything started with a trip that our home church took in December of 2003. We (the church) had received a letter from Pastor Nicolas Louis Juste along with a picture of several children with big beautiful eyes. The thing about this letter was that it was not only a plea for funds, but also an invitation to come and see the need. I believe I heard that someone said "if we don't do something, I'm not sure we can call ourselves believers." I may be paraphrasing, it was a long time ago. Anyway, Brian was feeling the pull to go and I was excited for him and terrified at the same time. We had just found out we were pregnant with our third child and these were totally unchartered waters for us. But it was a week, that's all, just a week. Ha, ha.

So, Brian went to Haiti and came home completely changed and broken. He measured everything we bought in bags of rice. I remember so many conversations about how many families could eat and for how long for what we spent on a week's worth of groceries. I had not experienced what he had and it was very hard to understand the change in him and the effect it was having on our family. We struggled, but eventually I thought we had readjusted and, after a few months, were getting back to normal. I was wrong. One night several months later as I, in my very pregnant waddle, was going to bed after a long day with 2 toddlers, he informed me he thought we were supposed to adopt a baby from Haiti. I'm pretty sure I said things that shouldn't be repeated. Use your imagination and it probably doesn't come close I thought he had just completely lost his mind. He needed professional help. I was about to pop with baby #3. Nuts.

I should go ahead and mention that the way things usually work in our family is that God sets Brian on a path and Brian tells me about it and then I stomp along with him as God works on my heart. Truth be told, I believe Brian is, and has always been, much more open to God's unconventional ways than I am. I so desire to be different. It's a work in progress.

As lots of you now know, Brian was right... God was not finished with our family. It took many years, lots of tears over how I was ever going to learn to do little black girl hair, and lots of prayer to get Brian and I on the same page at the same time.

While this drama was unfolding, and it was at times serious drama, Brian took his second trip to Haiti in December of 2005. I was not ready for what happened when he came home. He was becoming more and more uncomfortable in our little life we had carved out. His discontent with his job was growing and the ache God had placed on his heart for Haiti was increasing. He tried to tell me over and over again that God was calling him to something and if I'm being honest I'll just say I was having none of it. I believe the words "put your big girl panties on and go to work" actually came out of my mouth... maybe more than once. We had this life to sustain and maintain. I can look back now and see, for us, one of the major lessons God wanted to teach us is that it is Him that sustains our family, not us, not the plans we make. This lesson is one I have to relearn often. We went back and forth for 2 years, Brian's feelings of being pulled to Haiti and my feelings of fear.

Finally, in December of 2007 I got on a plane to go and see what Brian had seen that had gotten us (in my mind) so off track. Understand, I fought this too. Why would God give me three young children to care for and then put me on a plane to a place I didn't know with people I didn't understand. I know now, and really knew then, that's what He does. God calls us all to the broken and out of our comfort zone. It was a rough trip down that ended with Brian hugging me while I cried outside at Camatin and asked him to please take me back to Port au Prince and put me on the first plane home. I was trying to stand in my own strength. I was weak.

Brian refused to put me on a plane and during that week, God opened my eyes. I finally saw what Brian had seen, a beautiful people that had joy in their faces despite their circumstances. I saw how God had set my sweet husband apart for a journey down an unknown road. I realized that God doesn't just call a man, but He calls a family. I heard Brian speaking creole to Haitians as we walked. Where did he learn that and when did he have time? And why the heck didn't I notice?? All that was holding him back from following hard and fast after God was me.

When we returned home, we didn't return to life as usual. Brian and I knew that full-time ministry to the people of Haiti was coming. We didn't have a clue how, but started walking forward anyway. Through 2008 Brian took 3 or 4 trips to Haiti, can't remember for sure. Harvest Field Ministries was born in Brian's heart and mind. Brian's desire to see people in Haiti come to know God and become self-sustaining was strong. God put people in our path, while helping our friend, Pastor Menes from Haiti with some health issues, that would speed up the course we were on. We were offered a start-up grant to turn Harvest Field Ministries into a real live 501c3 ministry. Wow... God is big. Brian quite his job of 12 years in October of 2008 and dove in head first.   I should probably mention that I couldn't breathe for a few weeks. I have a very bad habit of questioning the One who tells the sun when to shine and the rains when to fall. Silly, really...

In the past 2 years we have been blessed and we have been rocked. We have walked through a massive earthquake, mourned the tremendous loss of a friend and leader of our partners in Haiti, Pastor Ronnigue, and started the adoption of our daughter, Merline. It's sometimes been a blur. There is no infrastructure in Haiti, the roads are rough, literally and figuratively. You have to learn to roll with the flow, because you can plan all you want to, there will always be flat tires or broken axles to deal with or a need will pop up when you least expect it. You're eyes have be open or you'll miss the chance to watch God move. Haiti is hot and there's diesel in the air and it can literally beat you up, just look into the eyes of a 40 year old woman who looks at least 65. Even with all of that, it's worth it. It's worth it to have the chance to be a part, as tiny as we are, of God advancing His kingdom.

This life is not easy. The expectations are high. People expect us to have it "together" because we're in "ministry." It doesn't work that way. We fall, we're sinful, I whine... I'm thankful that God is not finished with us yet. I pray that we let go of the stress we have about people seeing the real Brian and Rachel, warts and all. I pray that we allow God to mold us to be what He wants. I pray that we allow our lives to be a demonstration of what God can accomplish in people who are selfish by nature, regardless of how bumpy the road may be. I pray that we give until it hurts, and that I not complain about it. I pray our children experience ministry and being obedient to God's call as a good thing and not just something that causes Daddy to be gone.

Finally, I am thankful. I am thankful that He promises us in his Word that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thank you God, because if left to me it would surely be a mess.

I'm excited to see where the path God has set us on leads. I would invite anybody out there reading this take this journey with us.

One Year Passess...

2011-01-12T18:45:00.007-05:00

It's been one year, almost to the minute, that I heard about a huge earthquake in a tiny little country that has become so important. I remember sitting at the computer and receiving a message from a friend I hadn't heard from in years that said: "Oh Rachel, I just saw on the news about the earthquake in Haiti. I'm so sorry." I was lost. I had no clue. I told Brian and we turned on the t.v. and saw the devastation and hurt. Brian had just come returned from Haiti the night before. We were looking forward to a few weeks of him being home, little did I know he would be back in the air headed to the Dominican Republic and then on to Haiti within about 36 hours after the quake hit.

All we knew were there were friends that are like our family there and we have no clue of their safety. We have friends with children there. There are beautiful, Godly people there who deserve more than to be shaken to their core.

There was not much sleep here while we tried for hours to call with no success. Until very, very early the next morning when either we or one of our friends (not sure now, everything runs together) finally got through to the orphanage that our home church, White Stone, supports and the place Brian and a team were at not 24 hours earlier. The orphanage had fallen and one little girl was lost in the collapse. Atanie, the baby of the group. I can't imagine what the other girls went through, losing a little sister. I can't imagine what her Mama went through.

Just a short while later Brian got through to a sweet, sweet friend, Pastor Moises. He had the horrible news that Pastor Ronnigue, Brian's close friend and partner, and his wife had also lost their lives in the earthquake. What in the world do we do with all of this...

In the past year we have learned a lot about God. We have learned that He is still in control, even when we're not. I learned that while my husband was in Port au Prince and I could not contact him. The news reports did not help. We have learned that He will never leave us... we leave Him. When we have those times that we feel like He's not there, it's because we have walked away. We have learned that even when the future is unclear, He knows. We have learned that He works all things for His good, even when it hurts like crazy and we just can't see it yet.

In the past year we have learned a lot about the people of Haiti. We have learned that they are strong beyond belief. We have watched as their faith has grown, not wavered in the wake of devastation. We have learned that Haitian parents love their children beyond understanding. Mamas and Daddies who covered their children with their bodies as buildings fell, Mamas and Daddies that love their children so much that they will give them up for adoption so they will have a chance at a life with opportunities. I am constantly amazed. We have learned that hope is something that cannot be crushed by falling buildings and the earth shaking. We have learned that the Haitian people have such beautiful joy in the face of adversity, affliction, destruction, injustice, take your pick, they still have joy.

To say the past year has been hard is an understatement, but God has been patient. He has taught us much through the struggles. I am thankful that He has shown me His strength and power through some of His most beautiful people. As difficult as our year has been it can't compare to the struggles the Haitian people faced in the last year and that they face with each day. All I know is that God's mercies are new every morning and I pray that He pours that mercy over these people.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. ~Isaiah 40:29-31